OFFs and ONs

I was watching 30 Rock today while doing my colouring book homework for human ecology, yes colouring book homework in a science class (thanks Glendon!), when a quote by Jack got me thinking about an interesting blog post format. Liz’s friend, played by Jennifer Aniston, is in New York City and Jack says something like “we’re off cupcakes, cash instead of plastic” etc. So then I thought, why don’t I do a little OFF/ON thing. I’m aware it’s gimmicky so shut up.

I AM…

• … OFF television and ON movies. I thought with the Oscars being over, my attention would flutter back to the glory of television, but it hasn’t. With the exception of Desperate Housewives, a show I am convinced I could pen better than its entire writing staff on a particularly creative day but which I still watch faithfully, I really can’t find the energy to care about new episodes. I have been watching old episodes of TV shows I love, including teen drama-political drama hybrid Jack  Bobby, but nothing new!
• … OFF chocolate milk and ON iced tea. Children, listen up: cho-mo is so yesterday. Long gone are the days when I would cruelly imagine drinking chocolate milk, knowing it was nowhere to be found in my refrigerator. After buying carton after carton, I have officially become sick of it. Enter iced tea, the refreshing, youthful, plunge-into-a-small-pool-after-trust-falling drink – it’s tasty, mildly sugary and not as fatty as milk. Granted, it doesn’t strengthen my bones but, let’s be honest, the possibility that my back might give out at any moment makes hanging out with me only more fun!
• … OFF fiction and ON non-fiction. I read a book of academic essays on Titanic. I’m reading a book of essays about Seinfeld. I have another about the Oscars. I cruelly abandoned the fantastical worlds of Mordor and Nazi Germany (The Two Towers and The Kindly Ones, repsectively) in favour of real-life. Actually, I’m just coming to the realization that most of these non-fiction books are really all fiction-related; Hollywoodization of a generation-scarring maritime disaster, a sitcom essentially about bitter, vindictive New Yorkers and an awards show that makes bad choices in honouring mostly fictional stories put to 70mm. OH *evil laugh* I AM reading a true non-fiction, non-school page-turner: An Introduction to Canada-US Relations.
• … OFF cool and (back) ON nerd. I love how the US-Canada book segued into this OFF/ON. I think there was a little while during this year, just like my sophomore year of high school, when I felt like a rebel who didn’t do work. That phase ended this past week when I, incredulously, celebrated a 73% on a mid-term. Anyone who even vaguely knows me will understand that this sort of hollow celebration over a grade that might be described optimistically as “meeting the government’s expectations” (as I used to so aptly put it to high school peers, consoling them whilst cradling my 90s in the other hand) is truly unlike me. Granted, the subject was ecology, so a lowerish mark wasn’t out of the question. But there were no essay questions with which I could use my slightly above average writing skills to mask the fact that I didn’t know the answer to the question.
• … OFF men and ON women. I’m kidding. To prove it, I’ll insert a picture of a random hottie. I also do this because, on all posts with an attractive man, my hits go way up. So, thanks Internet for being the sleazy playground of pervs that people say you are. Also, posts with promiscuous words get more hits, so PORN SEX FREE VIDZ HOT KINKY ANIME WHIPS. oh hai Zac Efron!:

• … still OFF Team Edward and still ON Team Jacob. Taylor Lautner presented at the Oscars. I didn’t write a whole post about the Oscars but I think the Taylor Lautner/UTHER GURL presentation was the low point of the telecast. I’m sorry, appealing to a younger demographic doesn’t mean we need to infuse the show with the fast food of the movie world. Let’s not pander at the world’s foremost awards ceremony. Movie awards that is. I love the Oscars, but not even I’m stupid enough to compare the Academy Awards to the Nobel Prizes…. except maybe that silly Peace Prize.
• … ON Team J.K. Rowling and DEFINITELY OFF AND CAN’T BELIEVE THERE EXISTS Team Stephanie Meyer. You see, the producers of this year’s Oscar bash wanted the single mother-turned-writer and Mormon-nobody to present an award together. Naturally, J was all like “NU-UH” and Stephanie pulled the lame “I don’t work on Sundays” – but we all know Stephanie Meyer didn’t want her feelings to be killed when the crowd inevitably gave Genius Rowling a massive standing ovation.
• … OFF Clue and ON Gosford Park. Seriously, as much campy fun as the Tim Curry Clue movie is, Gosford Park is the winner in mansion murder mysteries. It’s for sure my favourite movie of the moment, so you should all see it because the onslaught of random tweets concerning the film’s dialogue, art direction, score etc. will be much more pleasant if you understood the hooplah. And no, unfollowing me is not an option. Das trailer is below; marvel at all the amazing Brit talent:
WATCH THIS TRAILER NOW!
• … OFF modesty and ON snobbery. Shoukski, one of my many nicknames for York’s President, sent me a letter a few weeks back inviting me to become part of the ‘prestigious’ Golden Key Honour Society, which is basically a top-15%-of-your-class group of students being condescending to the other 75% of the class. (That was a little math joke, I’m really not that schtupid.) Anyways, $90 later I’m beginning to think it’s just an expensive line on your resume and some discounts for LSAT courses… but luckily, el Parentitos paid.

Lucas’ 10 Things

1. Still haven’t seen Alice in Wonderland. I want to see it, even though I know it probably butchered the original.
2. I just came up for a new word resulting from a spelling error. Someone who goes on a super-rant and just completely destroys someone else, like say a popular high school girl ranting on a lowly band and Reach nerd, can be said to have bitchered them. Genius beseeches me to join the club.
3. I used the word beseech because I was listening to the Phantom soundtrack. Not sure if the usage worked.
4. School is almost, kind of, soonish over. I still have no job lined up. I win.
5. If you don’t already, you should follow me on twitter! Or go on my tumblr, which I never update. Or even go to my Pity Pie Facebook page, which I rediscovered the other day.
6. I hate this time change shit. It should only be 12 right now.
7. My iPod broke today. I am le sad, le pissed and le broke.
8. My two years at Glendon has improved my le French le considerably.
9. Wanna learn French? Just add le to everything. Not la though, because you might insult the masculine objects unknowingly.
10.   Y’all should comment every once and a while. Even if you’re a spammer looking to post ads in my comment section, please do: I’m sort of dying to visit your weird link to find out about the 25 funniest videos ever. After all, you’re the authority Mr. Internet bot.

That’s it for now. Have a wonderful week everyone!

That’s all.